


Lunch Break, Starkiller Base

by LadyLokiLaufeyson



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Hux Is Oblivious, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5758750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLokiLaufeyson/pseuds/LadyLokiLaufeyson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Hux has some serious questions he needs to ask the new radar tech, Matt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lunch Break, Starkiller Base

**Author's Note:**

> This is just 4 pages of un-beta'd shitpost I'm sorry @ George Lucas this is your legacy. 
> 
> Inspiration for this fic came from [here](http://kylux.tumblr.com/post/137523984460/randomsplashes-concept-general-hux-being-the).

_ Lunch room, Starkiller Base _

 

General Hux was currently on lunch break at Starkiller Base; normally he wouldn’t take his lunch with the others, preferring to eat in his office or in his quarters, but today Hux had a special reason for being there: the new radar technician, Matt. 

 

Hux quickly spotted Matt, basically sitting alone save for a slightly out of shape Stormtrooper and a bored looking officer. Hux came up behind Matt and stood beside him, the other two at the table immediately stiffened when they saw Hux, but Matt didn’t flinch at all. ‘ _ Probably because I’m in his peripheral vision,’ _ Hux thought in the back of this mind. But right now, Hux had more pressing matters: he’d heard that Matt was apparently close to Kylo Ren, or at least knew him, and Hux had some burning questions about Ren that needed to be answered.

 

“Hello, Matt,” Hux said sternly, asserting his dominance.

 

Matt looked up slowly “Yes?” he asked.

 

“It’s come to my attention that you know a lot about Kylo Ren,” Hux said, mouth turned down to show that he was all business.

 

“I’ve ran into him a few times…” Matt said uncertainly.

 

“Yes…tell me…” Hux said, plopping himself down next to Matt and sidling up to him “…what does he think of me?” 

 

Matt’s eyebrows went up. “What?” Matt asked, sounding a little disbelieving. 

 

“Like, does he talk about me?” Hux asked, edging closer to Matt, a wild look in his pale eyes.

 

“I…I guess,” Matt said, shifting away uncomfortably.

 

“He does? What does he say? Like, his exact words,” Hux said, clearly excited.

 

“Uh…he says…that...that Hux is lame and a nerd,” Matt said, a smile ghosting at the corner of his mouth.

 

Hux pulled back, eyebrows knitted together. “Well that’s rude of him! He doesn’t even know me! We work together, but he doesn’t know me, not really…if only I could take him out for a drink or something then he’d see the real me…” Hux babbled on, almost to himself.

 

Matt seemed to choke on his drink when Hux said “take him out for a drink”.

 

“Good god man, are you okay?” Hux said as Matt coughed up water.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Matt said, holding up a thumbs up sign and sounding strangely wheezy, as if holding back a laugh.

 

Hux smacked the radar tech on the back “This is no time for laughter! I can’t believe Ren actually hates me! I mean, we always act like we hate each other but I thought we were just  _ joking _ ! Y’know, like co-workers do?”

 

The others sitting at the table had become agitated and were gesturing towards Matt with their eyes and discreetly pointing to Matt, as if trying to convey something to Hux. 

 

“What?” Hux barked at them angrily.

 

“Hmm? Oh, nothing, nothing...I was just thinking about how funny it’d be if KYLO REN was at this table right now,” the officer said, jerking his head in a funny way.

 

“Haha yeah that would really be something else if KYLO REN was sitting  _ RIGHT HERE _ ...like  _ NEXT TO HUX _ ...or something,” the stormtrooper agreed, staring at Matt in the most peculiar way. 

 

Hux sighed and stood up, annoyed with this new information and confused at the behavior of his subordinates. Maybe they should start those monthly drug tests again. 

 

“Well, that’ll be all for now. At ease,” Hux said, nodding slightly and turning around on his heels, hands clasped behind his back. The picture of conformity. 

 

~

_ Bridge, Starkiller Base _

 

“Hux,” a short, clipped voice said. 

 

Hux turned around and saw Matt the radar technician standing behind him, his glasses and sandy hair slightly askew.

 

“Yes, what is it?” Hux asked.

 

“I saw Kylo Ren in the showers today and he mentioned you,” Matt said.

 

Hux drew in a breath “He did? What did he say?”

 

“He said that maybe you aren’t all that bad and that...that he thinks your hair is nice,” Matt said proudly.

 

“Really? My hair?” Hux said as he smoothed his fiery hair back, feeling very satisfied with himself.

 

“Yes...and he said that he wanted to take you out to a bar this upcoming break day,” Matt said, sounding almost hesitant to reveal this information.

 

Hux nearly gasped “Really?! This upcoming break day? Kylo wants to take me out?” he asked Matt urgently. 

 

“Yes, I’ll tell him that you’re...excited to go,” Matt replied.

 

“Great, tell him I’ll see him then!” Hux said.

 

Matt offered him a crooked smile that seemed like something else was hiding behind it - but Hux didn’t have time to ponder what it meant - he’d just gotten a date with  _ Kylo Ren _ . All thanks to the help of Matt the radar technician.

 

_ ‘I really should fraternize with my employees more, they could be such great help to me like Matt is,’ _ Hux thought excitedly as he went to his quarters to start picking out an outfit for his date (even though it was still a few sleep cycles away).

 

~

_ Hallway, Starkiller Base _

 

Hux and Matt were walking towards each other in the hall, about to say something to each other, when a particularly ballsy stormtrooper viciously knocked into Matt, causing him to lose his balance.

 

“Oh my god, Matt!” Hux said as the other man fell to the floor, tools scattering everywhere, and - good god, _his hair_ _had fallen off_.

 

“Your hair fell off!” Hux exclaimed, shocked at the sight.

 

“Oh fuck, yeah it’s a - uh - hair transplant - I don’t have any hair - uh - shit,” Matt said as he scrambled to put the blonde wig back over the black tresses of hair he so clearly had.

 

“Wait a minute…” Hux said, marching over to the other man and pulling on his arm to make him look at him. What he saw shocked him. Matt the radar technician was actually KYLO REN.

 

“Ren?! You’re Matt?!” Hux cried.

 

“Yes, I’m Matt! Everybody knows,  _ Hux _ !” Kylo snapped at him.

 

“I DIDN’T KNOW!” Hux yelled.

 

“I threw a guy backwards into the air! How did you not know then? At one point I had my lightsaber in my hand! What did you think when you got those reports, that another force sensitive  _ just happened _ to be on your staff?” Kylo argued.

 

“I - I don’t know!” Hux stuttered, turning as red as his hair as he started to realize just what this meant. He’d actually asked Kylo Ren - the Kylo Ren -  _ ABOUT WHAT KYLO REN THOUGHT OF HIM _ . He’d been completely fooled! How did he ever graduate from the Academy, honestly? 

 

Kylo had straightened out while Hux was having his existential crisis, and was now holding his wig and glasses as reverently as he would hold his ridiculous helmet. 

 

“Well, General...I definitely got to spend some real time with some real people as I took part in this...assignment. And I sure did find out some...interesting facts,” Kylo said as he began walking again.

 

Hux frowned deeply.

 

“Oh, and Matt says to tell you that Kylo Ren is still interested in taking you out,” Kylo said, using the Force to give Hux a squeeze round the neck rather than a clap on the shoulder like a  _ normal _ person would do.

 

Kylo continued walking down the hall and Hux smiled triumphantly to himself. He may have made a complete and utter idiot of himself, but he still had a date with the hottest mass murderer on the planet. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this meme of a fic go follow my [tumblr](http://kylux.tumblr.com) tbh.


End file.
